EpicfailNG

I was just a boy, my life was fine, your average 15 year old.
I didn't know what was happening though, things were changing.
Maybe it was just me, but it seemed as though it was also the world around me, I never thought life would ever be the same.

******

It was an early morning in Japan, I was an exchange student, from Canada, here for school.
Japan was weird, and a lot of strange people and shops were around the school I was attending.
I had made a couple of friends there, mostly the Japanese kids, not any other exchange kids I liked.
They were all ass hole boys, treated women like shit, and thought they were stronger than any other boy there.
Fucking ass holes.
A few of the girls at the school were telling me about all sorts of strange shops, people selling drinks that took over humans and made them in to something they're not.
All that shit you think you'd see in a cheap horror flick.
Of course, being the smart ass I was, I didn't believe anything that they told me.

School in Japan actually really sucked, nothing like the movies made it seem.
The teachers were total jackasses to the exchange kids, and treated us like shit.
I put up with it, I had to.
If I finished my time in Japan, I could leave school a few months early for some reason, hell, I took the opportunity,
but I regret it.

School was never really my thing, you see, I was a strange kid.
I was never like any of the other kids, I was different in every way.
I was never really sad, but they all thought I was, they all played sports, and I sat around, and hung out with some girls.
Some boys thought I was gay, because most of my friends were girls, shit, it's only because guys are such pricks to every body.
I was kind of sad after everything that went on, elementary school was bad for me.
My grade eight teacher and I would literally get in verbal fights during class, he wanted us to write a 5 page story, mine was 20 pages, he failed it.
I didn't do something right, he didn't try and help, he failed it.
I then lost a lot of confidence in myself, all because of that ass hole.

High school comes, I have a lot of friends, meet a lot of nice girls.
I fell in love, yea, it lasted a few months, then some ass hole jock got her drunk and raped her, she was pregnant, I couldn't handle having a kid at that age.
So, then I get this opportunity for Japan, I figured it would be good for me.
A nice little escape from home, get away from the pricks in Canada, and my family.
Japan was rather fun, but it was a mistake.

******

There was this one girl, from Germany, she was there as a foreign exchange kid too.
I can't remember her name, it's not important, names just get people confused anyway.
She was absolutely beautiful.
She had the eyes of a kitten, so innocent, and so gorgeous.
She had the body of that girl, that you'd always wanted to marry, and have kids with, that body that you'd want to stay up and fuck all night, in a steamy hot room, rubbing your sweaty chest against her own.
She was everything I could have ever wanted.
She stayed in the same house as me, and we always, did everything together.
She was there for me when I was feeling the way I am as I write this.
Yea, I'm depressed, I'm confused, I'm not normal, at all.
Sorry world, for fucks sake, I can't be perfect.
She was there for me whenever I needed her, we ate together, went to school together, after classes we spent the 2 minutes we had to waste before the next class together, after school we walked to our temporary house together, and we slept next to each other.

We went out one night, to a restaraunt sort of thing that those Japanese folk have.
She was one of the best girls I have ever seen in person, and the best that was even the smallest bit in to me.
I liked her, I liked her a lot.
But fuck, she lived in Germany, I wanted her every god damned night though.
We spent so much time together, and then the day came.
She left Japan, she left me, without giving me a phone number, email address, nothing at all.
She didn't even tell me she was leaving. Maybe she didn't want to hurt me.
Well shit, this hurt a lot more than her just bailing on me, without a proper good-bye.

I had to deal with it, I was depressed enough and fed up with my life enough as it is, and she knew that, and now this happens. I couldn't take any chances, and let another thing get to me, I was so close to killing myself as it was without that happening.

******

Without her being there after school with me, for the two of us to walk back to the house together, I decided there was no point in leaving on time, I stayed after school to catch up on some work so I could get out of school earlier.
I was doing art for one of the teachers, she surprisingly liked my art that I did.
It was different, different than anybody elses art, different than any art she had ever seen she told me.
That made me feel good, but I never asked what she meant by 'different', it didn't matter to me.
I painted her a lot of stuff, mostly it was dark, and somewhat, evil.
I didn't see any darkness in it, but my parents did, I did the same sort of art back home.

I finished painting her a picture of a girl, with flies surrounding her, and resting on her, she had no expression on her face, but somewhat of a smile, she was wearing dark clothing, some black fishnet on her legs, a black skirt, a black trench coat, and she was holding an umbrella above her.
There were shadows coming out of her feet, but they were not her shadows, they belonged to her inner beasts.
Everyone has a beast inside of them that needs to be exercised, not exorcised.
That's one of my life quotes, and this painting lived up to that.

After I gave the painting to her, I walked out of the room to get some water.
I went to the fountain, and bent over to take a few sips, I closed my eyes and let the water get in to my mouth, and I swallowed. Japan water was good.

When I opened my eyes, something seemed different, I turned around to walk back to the class, and the door wasn't there, just a wall.
I turned around, looked back at the fountain, and thought, if I drank from it again, and did the exact same thing, things would be normal again.
I tried, and the water had a different taste to it, it tasted somewhat sweet, and it was red.

******

I found myself passed out on a couch in the art room, with my Japanese friend writing on the chalk board to my right.
I didn't say anything, I had remembered what I just experienced, and it was far too real to be a dream.
I looked at her, she was cute, but she was nowhere near as good looking as the German.
My dick got hard whenever I thought of the German girl, why the fuck did she have to leave?

She noticed the hard on through my pants, and threw a chalk brush at my pants, and that's when I noticed I completely began day dreaming about the things I had wanted to do with the German.
Shit, all my wildest dreams would have come true, but of course, my luck sucks, and she was gone.

The Japanese girl giggled at me, I still didn't know her name, I didn't really care about her name, names are not important, they are like eyes. Without eyes, it shows emptiness in a being.
Try seeing a person without eyes, and you'll understand what I mean.
I've seen that person, this is what I've always wanted to tell somebody, and we're getting to that.
Without a name, a person is nothing, and nothing does not exist, non existance is a form of emptiness.

I got off of the couch, and looked at what she was drawing on the board.
It was a game of tic-tac-toe.
She was playing with somebody, but we were alone.
She had that look on her face, that she had just been beat.
I blinked, thinking I was seeing things, and then there was an 'O' that made three connect, she was the X's.
She cursed in Japanese, I don't know what said, chances are I wouldn't want to know.

I hated Japan, this sort of thing did not take place in Canada, and this was all making my mind go insane.
My brain had been at civil war with itself for the whole time in Japan, I couldn't decide anything, and the German always did for me, her decisions were the best decisions that I have ever had a part of.
She always knew what was best, I never did.
In Canada, when I made my decisions, they were poor decisions, and fucked up my head, or my respect.
The German always made me feel something different, something I hadn't felt before, sometimes, I felt so good, I wondered if it were even real.

Everything was going so well with the German around, my life was sort of heading towards a different path in life, a better path, I was going down the wrong path, and the German turned that around, I was going up the right path, and now I'm back down there. I want the German. I needed her, with me, at all times.

******

Days went by in Japan, and it sucked.
Things were getting strange, a lot of my friends that I made there had went missing, and I left the next week.
There was a party tonight, and I was going to it, they told us that the party was for the goodbye of all the exchange students, I figured it would be fun, so I went.
It was a Thursday, and I don't know the time, it was getting late though.
The lady taking care of us made us eat a lot of food before the party, we had a lot of rice in Japan, it's pretty much all we ate.
I passed on the dog and pork, it never did tickle my fancy...

The party was in two hours, so I decided to head out and meet up with the girl who was taking me there.
I hadn't known her before I met her today at school, she was real sweet, she had such an innocent little girl voice, and I assumed she was around seventeen years old.
I met her at a park and she picked me up in her sports car, she refused to go to the house and get me.
She was probably just shy.

She came and got me, I waited there for about 15 minutes before she arrived.
Japan was very interesting, and the little Japanese girls are very cute.
I got in her car after I heard her honk the horn.
I didn't say anything when I got in, I'm not the kind of person who says things, I have to be spoken to, before I myself speak.

"Hey." she said, her voice was incredible, damn, she sounded so innocent, and so young.
"Hey." I said back to her, I wasn't very interested in this girl, like I was the other girls, this one was weird, something about her worried me.
"Do you trust me?" She asked, I didn't know what she was trying to get across by asking me that. I just met her today, it's hard for me to trust somebody, it takes years of knowing a person, to truly trust them.
"Not entirely." I said to her, she looked at me for what felt like hours, but was only a few seconds, her eyes shined in the light from the cars around us.
"Okay." She said, and began driving to the party. She didn't say anything for the rest of the drive, and I sat there listening to the silence.

The drive was long, very long. We were in the car driving above the speed limit, for about an hour.
We ended up driving a bit out of town, I assumed this is where the house was.
There was a big mansion to our right, maybe a mile up, it was huge, I could definitely see it from the distance.
It was dark colored, and looked rather grim, I wasn't worried about it though, I was more focused on who's getting me drunk, and who I might get to sleep with tonight.
"Is that where we're going?" I asked her. She didn't say anything for a minute, she just kept driving, it's almost as if she was trying to think if it was or not.
"Yes." She said, she never said anything in depth, just a simple answer, you can really tell a lot about a person from that, they don't like to go in to detail, they're shy perhaps.

Within ten minutes, we pulled up in the driveway of the mansion, and there were hundreds of people outside by the doors drinking and showing off their cars.
The girl and I got out of the car, and she dissapeared in to the crowd, I didn't know any of these people, I'd be lucky if I saw one person I knew, besides the girl.

I walked in to the house, and tried to find a place to relax, the music that was playing was very different.
It was not heavy, and it was not soft, it was strange.
I can't even come near describing how awkward I felt in the house, I felt strange, something I'd never felt before.

******

Everybody began talking to me, I felt popular, it was weird, I didn't know any of these kids, but they all knew me by name, and they all were speaking English to me, and they knew exactly what I was saying.
A lot of the girls there sat down by me, they didn't say anything, they just sat there, staring in to a distance.
I realized a lot of people were taking pictures of the girls beside me, with old Polaroid cameras.
This was 2009, and they were still using those old things, I figured Japan would have newer more scientific cameras than those.

I didn't want to ask why they were taking my picture, maybe I was so weird compared to them, or I was special somehow.
The girl who drove me hair sat on the couch beside me, she didn't seem drunk, or anything, completely sober.
The rest of the people here were completely shit faced.
She didn't say anything either, she just stared at me, and her eyes, they looked like she was beginning to cry, I didn't ask her what was wrong, I didn't say anything.
She just grabbed on to me, and hugged me, she held on to me so tight, like she'd never been hugged, and like something awful happened, or was going to happen.

I sat there, dumbfounded, and I just held on to her. She was in tears, and everybody left the room.
She stopped crying, and looked at me, she hadn't loosened her grip one bit.
She moved her face closer to mine, and began kissing me.
We slowly started making out, and I could taste something weird, I know the taste, but I couldn't think of what it was.
We just kept kissing, and then I realized what I had been tasting, and letting in to my mouth.

Blood.

I pushed her off of me, without intending to hurt her in any way.
I grabbed the nearest cup and spit out the blood that was in my mouth from her.
My mouth was full of blood, it was something I would never forget, it's so fucking weird how I didn't notice until now.
We had been kissing for a few minutes, and then I realized what it was.

She began laughing at me, and so did the other people, they were all back in the room, and taking pictures with their fucking Polaroids.
I didn't see any humor in this, this was sick.
It was real blood too, I knew the taste of my own blood, and I'm sure it tasted just like anybody else's blood.
I kept spitting in to the cup, it was somebody's drink, but I didn't care.
A man came up, he looked about twenty years old, he grabbed the glass from my hands and began drinking from it.
I looked at what he was doing, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but it was real, this all was.
I nearly vomitted in my own mouth, but I controlled it.
I couldn't look away from his acts, this was all so strange.

The man forced me to drink some of it, two guys, maybe eighteen years old, grabbed me, and held me back, as he poured the blood in to my mouth.

******

I was dragged in to a dark room by the man who made me drink the blood, I tried fighting my way out of it, but he was too strong. I was a pretty tough kid, I could take a lot, and hurt somebody a lot older than me. But something was different with this man, he was so powerful.

The man and the two guys who held me down chained me up to a wall, and were laughing, in a sinister way.
I knew I should not have gone to this fucking party.
The girl who I made out with was with them, the whole party was watching this, and chanting some sort of foreign language, that I had never heard.
This was crazy.
There was no point in me trying to get away from this, I had no chance of winning, so I didn't even bother.
I just closed my eyes, while they all looked at me.
Something awful was going to occur, I knew this, something bad has got to happen.

I opened my eyes, and saw a knife in the man's hand.
I knew what would happen next, he cut my shirt, and tore it off of me, exposing my chest.
He then began rubbing the blade around my nipples, and I knew he had been enjoying this, and I wasn't.
He cut off one of my nipples slowly, and catching the blood in to a large jar in his other hand.
The man took my decapitated nipple, and put it on his tongue, closed his mouth, and swallowed.

Everybody in the room began cutting their wrists, and catching the blood in smaller jars. Just a few drops was all that they used. They didn't drink the blood, instead they all poured their blood in to the large jar that the man had.
It took about ten minutes for all the people to get their blood in to the large jar he had been holding.
The man walked towards me with it, and made me drink some of it.
I refused to drink it, and I kept my mouth closed.
He put his fingers on my nose, and plugged my nostrils, forcing me to open my mouth.
He then poured the blood in, and no matter what I did, I'd end up having to drink it anyways, it was a waste for me to try and get around this all.
I drank the blood.
Suddenly, I felt very sick, and extremely dizzy.

I passed out, I could not keep my eyes open, but I could hear them all talking, celebrating.
I don't get it, they were celebrating this, cracking open cans of beer, and singing drunken Christmas carols.
My brain stopped functioning, I was either asleep, and having no dream, or I was dead.
I thought I was dead.

I hadn't died that night, for I am still telling this story.
I don't remember much of what happened after that, but I do know this.

I talked to the girl who drove me there, and I asked her what the fuck it was all about.
She told me it was a spiritual thing, and that they do it to their favorite exchange student anually.
That's fan-fucking-tastic, I was chosen as a 'favorite' and got forced to drink some blood that probably had all sorts of sick diseases, great.

She told me that they were all safe of diseases, but there was one thing she had told me about that made my heart skip a few beats.

******

Apparently they all had something in common, they were clinically insane.
And it ran through the blood somehow, that's news to me.
Catching some sort of insanity from another's blood.
Well, apparently no matter what, any amount of blood you get in your system from them, you get some sort of insanity.
That's fabulous, now I'm insane.
And all I could think about was the German.
She wouldn't have let this happen, her and I would have stayed at the house, and hung out together.
But because of her, this happened.
I blamed it all on the German girl, it's all her fault, she fucked up my life.
That fucking bitch had to leave without saying anything, and I was depressed about it, so I thought a party would get it off of my mind, now she's all that's on my mind, the German, and the disease I have gotten.

I have no idea what was going to happen to me, but I'm sure it would show within a couple of days. I had to get back to Canada, back home to my family, they could help me.
I wished I hadn't gone to Japan, I really regret it, just a big fucking mistake.

My family could help me, I want to go home, I hate Japan.
I fell asleep early that night, about six hours before I normally fall asleep, and I didn't want to go to school the next day.
The last thing I needed was to see all those ass holes who were at the party, and made me take all their fucking blood.

My mind was going insane the next morning, what if because there were so many of them, the more amount of blood taken from different people, the worse the disease is? What if I died cause of it? I was so worried.

I got out of bed after about thirty minutes of my mind basically torturing me with all of these wicked thoughts of what could happen.
And I headed off to school, I had no ride, I didn't want to see anybody, and I didn't want to walk the way I used to with the German, I had to get her out of my head.

I thought of how I would get to school, and decided I would take the train, I'd never done that before, and I wanted to get some rest on the way, so walking wasn't a great idea.
I caught the train early, and got to school about an hour and a half before all the other kids usually do, this was a good thing, I got some more time alone this way.

I couldn't get it out of my head, I was beyond worried about what would happen to me now.
The only people at the school were the teachers and myself.
I rested a bit on a bench and fell asleep.
I had a dream for the first time in a while, a long while.

******

I was walking through the woods with the German, and I didn't care where we went, I didn't even know if we were in Japan.
We just kept walking, telling stories about our lives, cracking silly jokes, and being complete goofs, it was like, the sort of relationship I'd always wanted, I could tell the German everything, she was great.

She told me she had to leave Japan earlier than the rest of us, because her grandmother had passed away, she wanted to make it to the funeral. I didn't know if this was true or not, but I tried to believe her.

Her and I sat down at a picnic table, and just stared in to each other's eyes, we got locked in to the stare, and continued it for nearly ten minutes. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too.

We began kissing, and I loved it, I felt her body, the warmth of it, and her cold hands touching mine.
We were going to have sex, on the table, I knew this.
I put my hand down the back of her shirt, and un-did her bra. She took her shirt off, and I could not believe her tits, they were incredible. Perfectly shaped, perfect nipple placement, nice, brown nipples.

I couldn't wait to fuck her.

We kept kissing, and I pressed my body to her boobs, she began taking off my pants, and putting her hands on my crotch, and then she stopped.
I looked at her, and asked what was wrong, and she just kept staring in to a distance behind me.

I turned around, and saw the man who had forced me to drink the blood, he was watching, she put her shirt on, and ran away.
The man came up to me, with a hatchet, and hit me in the head with it, I was knocked out cold, I was going to die.

******

The bell went, and I had gotten nothing accomplished, the German was in my dream, she will always be on my mind I thought to myself, I can't get rid of her.

I went to all of the morning classes, but I hadn't learned a thing.
My memory was fading, and I wasn't able to focus, it was the German's fault for that, she took over my mind, I was crazy for the German, and after that dream, shit, I want her so much more than I did before.

One of the teachers kept me after class, I didn't know why.
She mentioned that I wasn't being myself today, and she had heard some stuff about me.
I asked her what sort of things she had been hearing, and she said, "People are saying you and some kids went out partying, and some man raped you." and she said other people were saying, "You got forced to drink the urine of a cow, and you got a hard on while doing so."

This was bullshit, what the fuck kind of sick prank is this.
First I am forced to drink blood, now people are saying a man raped me, and I drank cow piss.

I told the teacher that was bullshit, and I told her what really happened.
The moment I was done the story, she was shocked, her jaw dropped, and her eyes were open so wide, I'd never seen eyes that big.
She recommended I talked to the guidance couselor at the school, but he was Japanese, he would have no idea what I was saying, and when I get in a deep conversation like that, I use big words, no translators would be able to help.

During lunch hour, all the kids were looking at me strange, they knew what had happened to me, and I knew I had a lot of their blood in me, those fucking punks. I should kill them all, I thought to myself.
They deserved to die.

Lunch time was a good time, I'll give it that much.
A smaller, skinny kid was laughing at me for what had happened last night.
I was pissed off a lot about what had happened, the last thing I needed was a cocky kid laughing at me over it.
I pushed him in to the locker behind him, and slammed the back of his head in to it, right after everybody heard the loud bang of his head hitting it, everybody drew their attention towards me.

The boy hadn't retaliated really, he tried hitting me, and got one shot on me in the chest,
I had been enraged, something had come over me, I threw him to the ground, and pulled on his hair, he was lying on his stomache, I smashed his face in to the floor, numerous times, it must have hit the floor at least ten times.

Everybody was shocked at what I had done, and I realized I had assaulted somebody, and I am in a foreign country.
I got off of him, and walked away, people were putting their cell phones away, after recording the videos of what had just happened.

I stepped in to the bathroom, and threw up in the sink, I was getting sick. Sick with something, or sick of something, I didn't know the difference anymore.

******

I was at home that night, in my dream, and nothing from Japan had ever taken place, I was so happy at home, I loved my family, they are always there for me, they're great people, no family could compare to them.
I sat in my room, playing with my puppy, and watching a movie with my ex girlfriend, she wanted to get back together with me, I wanted to as well. She was fantastic too, just like the rest of my family, she was so nice to me, she bought me things if I didn't have the money, although I insisted that she didn't.
She could always cheer me up, no matter how down I felt, being around her made me so happy, she was my reason to live at that point in my life, I wasn't depressed so much at home. My life was good there, I couldn't describe the happiness I felt.

My ex girlfriend and I had been watching movies all night, laughing our asses off at them, and then, when one was over, we'd just lay there, on the bed, and talk for about thirty minutes, not only did I love her, so did my family. She was family now.
She was very innocent, just like the German, and here I go, thinking of the fucking German bitch again. For fucks sake.

My ex and I began making out, we made out for a while, and then the man from the party came in to my bedroom.
He had a knife, and threw it in to my ex girlfriend's skull, she died instantly.
I pulled the blankets over top of my head, and closed my eyes, hoping he would go away, I was feeling young again, very young. I always felt really young at home, I guess it's because when you're really young, you have no worries at all, life is perfect, and the days just come by as they are, no plans, no future, just the moment, I felt safe, and young there.

I lay under the blankets for what felt like hours, and I noticed the blanket had gotten wet, I looked at it, and saw it covered in blood, I cried, thinking it belonged to her, but it was not my ex's blood, it was my own, he had stabbed me, numerous times, and I was lost in thought.

******

I needed to get to Canada as soon as possible, but my ticket back was for three days from now.
I didn't want to be here for another three days. It's Friday night, I leave Monday night.
The weekend might not be too bad, I thought to myself.
I watched movies all night, cuddling up to a pillow, wishing it was the German.
All of the movies were Japanese, but had English subtitles, I was no longer interested in Japan, I realized what a horrible place it was, sure, there is probably more to it than what happened to me, but from my experiences, I am never coming back after Monday.

I fell asleep watching some fighting movie, it must have not been very interesting, I can't remember much of it, I was lost in thought all night, thinking about what happened, thinking about my life.
I was so depressed in Japan, and now I have some other insanity problems to deal with, they will show soon, I knew they would. I was feeling different inside, and soon, they would be noticable outside too.
I don't think my family will love me anymore, I doubt they would.
I'm going to be a different person when I get home, things are going to be changed. Nothing, will ever be the same.

It was Saturaday morning, very early in the morning.
Maybe around 2 am where my family is, I wanted to phone them, and see how they're doing. I miss them.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my day, I hadn't seen the girl who brought this upon me, since the night it happened.
I wanted to see her in a way, I wanted to talk about all of this shit.

I went out for a walk, it was very populated in Japan, and hard to get around.
I wanted to find her, but it would be pretty much impossible to do that.
I went to a park close to the house I was at, I liked this park, it was fairly quiet, and very nice, nature wise.
The benches were somewhat comfortable too. I took a seat on the bench, and thought about life, in general, not about the German, not about my problems from the party, nothing, just life.

I wasn't ever extremely happy with mine, I'm not doing too well in school, or anything for that matter. I'm an unhappy person I guess. I didn't see any positive in the world now, all the positive had gone away, I lost my ex, and the German.
I closed my eyes, and thought about so much stuff, I must have been there hours, when I finally opened them, on the bench beside me was the girl, the one that brought me to the party.

"Listen," she said, "I want you to know, what happened on Thursday, I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen, if I hadn't kissed you and gotten my blood in your mouth, I would have gotten killed. I'm so sorry." That's all she said. Wow, thanks bitch.
I sat there, so pissed off. "So what happens to me now? I become insane, and end up killing myself? Because I've been considering that a lot lately!" That should shut her up I thought...

Tears came to her eyes, so that's why she was sad last night, she was threatened, if she hadn't hurt me, they would have killed her, that makes sense. I would have done the same I suppose, but that didn't make me any happier, I was still very angry.
"There is no way of fixing this, you should stay in Japan, live with all of them, we all live at that house of his, the man who forced that drink in you, it's his house." I couldn't believe she was saying this to me, offering the place for me to live, with the only Japanese person I truly hate. It's not often that I hate somebody, but I really hated him.

"I'm not staying here, especially with that piece of shit, why would I stay here? That is fucking ridiculous." That's all I could think of, ridiculous, that's what it was, this was all bloody ridiculous.
"If you leave, you kill the legacy, this has been going on for centuries, starting from the first person in his family, this is a tradition to do this to foreigners." That was her excuse to try and convince me to stay, fuck that. I'd love to kill this legacy.

"Listen, Monday is my last day, and after that, I'm going back home, and never coming back to your shitty country, got it? This whole trip here was a terrible idea, and now my whole life is fucked up because of it, fuck you and your little friends, this is stupid!" She was lucky I didn't kill her right there, I was angry enough, I would have... I wanted to.

I got off of the bench, and started walking to the house I was staying at, when I was stopped by a kid from school, another exchange kid from Canada, "Who were you talking to over there?" He asked me, "Just a girl." I said, and kept walking, he grabbed my shoulder and said, "I didn't see anybody, you were yelling at nothing, are you okay?" I stopped instantly, and stopped breathing for a bit. This was crazy, I was talking to myself, she was never there, and I was going insane. This is it, the instanity is coming over me now, from this day on, I will never be myself again. This is a new person, the old me is gone, and will never be back.

******

It was Sunday, I left in roughly 24 hours. The girl was beside me, the one from yesterday, the one who drove me to the party. "Listen, you need to stay here." she said.
I was not going to put up with this, I had to leave. "No, I am not staying here to join your guys' little fucking gang, this is stupid, you screwed up my life enough, I'm going home, and I'm going to deal with it from there, fuck off." I told her that, and it was true.
"If you stay, we can help you, help you deal with it, and help you use it to your advantage, we all learned, all because of Sam, Sam's the one who forced you to drink the blood, Sam's the man in your dreams." How did she know about my dreams, was this all in my head? She can't know about my dreams, I hadn't told anybody!

"What do you mean? The man in my dreams? I saw him at the party, I had not dreampt about him." I lied to her, I was testing her now, I wanted to see how she knew, and if this was going to go as planned, I would find out soon.

"I know you well enough, we've only talked a few times, but I can read you, once you can look in to somebody's eyes for a long time, without stopping, you can tell anything about them, I'm there with you, in your dreams, you're lucky to wake up after all of those, it's all part of the progression towards the insanity, it's getting to you quicker than it usually would, you're lucky, you were also very lucky to be chosen as the one to be a part of us, you're a part of our lives now, and we're a part of yours. You don't understand, this is for the better. You aren't happy with you're life, and we are going to fix that, stay in Japan with us, and we will help you, through everything, we're now all a family. And we love you."

What the hell was all this about, first they make me drink blood, they cut off my fucking nipple, and now they love me.
I couldn't help but laugh a little inside, this was insane. Absolutely, insane.

"So, say I stay here, tell me exactly what will happen?" I was curious, what if I did stay here, I wanted to know what would happen, this was somewhat getting interesting to me, and for some reason, I was beginning to enjoy the thoughts of it all.

"You become a legend, you go down in history, you're the last person to be a part of us, after we grow old, our blood gets weakened, you have to get more people, more victims of ours, well, I wouldn't say victims, these folk are lucky, they don't realize it, you don't realize it, not until later. I didn't think it was a good thing, but remember, in the car ride to the party, you said you didn't entirely trust me, right now I need you to." She was really in to this conversation, and I knew she wasn't lying, but now was the time to fuck around with her, for fucking around with me.

"I'm lucky? And you need me to believe you? Fuck, this is stupid, you and I both know that. You got me in to this huge fucking situation, and I can never get out of it now, this is with me for the rest of my life, my life is fucked up enough as it is, and now all this shit has to happen. Fuck, so now I do exactly what you guys did to me, eh? I know it feels to have a nipple decapitated from my body while being awake during the proccess, I know how it feels to be forced to drink the blood of hundreds of strangers, I know what it's like to feel that level of embarrassment, I can't do that to somebody. Just because I have all your guys' blood in me, doesn't mean I am up to do that. Fuck that." That's all I had to say, and that seemed to be enough.

"Goodbye." She said, and walked out of my bedroom, well, I was shocked as to how she knew where I lived, and how she had gotten in, I was sure everybody else was asleep.

I didn't know what to think, I had begun to consider staying, this could be fun in a way, making others feel like shit, and worrying about all of this. People deserve that, the world is going to hell lately, society is fucked, the world in general is a fucked up place, that's the way I saw it all, everybody deserved torture, and a lot of discipline, death was all their future had, all that was left for them all to look forward to.

******

So, it was Monday, and my flight left 2 hours ago.
I was going to stay, and I could get back to Canada at any time, it was simple. 'Officer, I live in Canada, I was kidnapped by a big gang of kids, hundreds of them, they removed my nipple, and forced me to drink all their blood, I want to go home.'
That's all it would take, that simple quote, and I could go home, I'm sure of it.

I wanted this to happen, this was great. I realized the beauty of what was happening to me, I'd always wanted to be that kid to fuck up so many people's lives, and this was my chance. Nobody deserved happiness, nobody deserved to live, nobody deserved love. I was going to change the world, and make it all, for the better.

I couldn't live where I was forever, I was moving in with Sam, I had to, he would respect my choice to continue his legacy, I didn't know what to expect from him when I showed up. I hoped for forgiveness, for being such a cunt about all this shit. This was going to go over well. I knew it would, Sam was a good person, so was I, so was everybody else, and the German.

I walked to the mansion, I took my things from the house, and away I went.
I didn't really know the way, but I remembered what I could, I walked for hours, throughout the city, and I asked many people if they knew where it was, but they didn't know directions, or they didn't know English.

I walked for another hour, and the car pulled up beside me, the girl was in it, and she was telling me to get in.
I got in, I couldn't walk anymore, especially with this big bag on my back, full of clothes and CD's.

"So, I'm proud of your decision, and so is Sam, he is already expecting you... I'm bringing you to our mansion."
They knew of my decision, were they psychic or something? Somehow they had read my mind, or maybe it was just... obvious. I never knew mind reading was under clinically insane.

I didn't say anything, and I had no thoughts of anything, I was silent, I was kind of in a dream, just zoned out... Before I knew it, we were parked outside of the mansion, and I was walking to the doors. Sam opened it, before I knocked.

"Welcome." he said, very professional. I didn't say anything, I walked in and looked at the room where I lost my nipple. It was in a jar somewhere I heard. He collects them all. I don't understand why, did all these girls only have one nipple too? Or is it only a thing that gets done to the men... What the hell does he remove from women? I didn't want to know, but if I were to continue this legacy, I'd have to find out..

"I'm very glad that you made the decision you did, and I am glad to have you carry on my legacy, but you need to prove yourself worthy, and that won't be easy. Take this device, when it beeps, you come find me, I will be places, normally around the courtyard, but it's up to you to find my exact location, show commitment to this, and prove yourself to me, then I will know if you are the right man for this." That's all Sam had to say, and then he went out the back door. Out to the courtyard.

I didn't follow him, I had no intentions of getting to know him well, not yet.
This was my first real time being here, that I enjoyed myself, I walked past the room where he took away my nipple from me, and instantly, I grabbed on to my boob, where the nipple used to be. I missed my nipple, I wanted both, but had just one.

******

I slept in a dark, dirty room that night in the mansion, way in the crawl space of the second bottom floor.
All the so called 'new recruits' had to sleep down there for two weeks, before getting a better, more reasonable room to sleep in. This mansion was a good place for this little 'operation' of Sam's, lots of room for new people, and a very dark place to be.

I woke up depressed, and I kept hearing my voice being called in the middle of the night, I would wake up randomly, and see something standing by my bed, and I felt as if I was being watched, I figured Sam was down there, watching me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid on my first night there, like try killing one of them, or myself.
I'm sure a dead body of the man who is supposed to continue his legacy, would not be a good sight for him.

I had never really been this depressed, it's a very sad feeling, sad in a way that if any body told you they were feeling it, you'd feel very sorry for them.

It was a different feeling, I was dizzy, my head was throbbing in pain, and I wanted to die, I was not looking at anything the same lately, I would see a tree in the courtyard, there were a lot of trees back there, but whenever I focused on one, I would think to myself, "Mankind does not deserve that, we pollute this world, treat it like shit, and take advantage of it, we kill all things in the environment, and this tree is helping us live, we are scum..." I stopped there, all the time. I must have said those words to myself hundreds of times that day.

I was sick of the world, and I was very glad I was doing this, I wanted everybody to think the way I did, even if the rest of us didn't see things as I did, they needed to.

I looked up to Jim Jones lately, not for killing everybody, but for being such a good talker, that he had gotten all of those people to believe in all that shit he told them, and got over one thousand people to make their own little town, then eventually kill themselves. They probably deserved to die anyway.

Adolf Hitler was another good example, I have no idea how the fuck he did it, but I wanted to do something like that.
Two very smart men, two very good role models.

"Hey bud." Sam said, he was behind the bench I was sitting on, he put one hand on my right shoulder, and began speaking, "You seem to be in deep thought there, anything you want to talk about?" It was a simple question, and he knew the correct answer, he knew there was a lot on my mind, and he knew I wanted to talk to somebody who would understand. "No, not right now..." I lied, I'd never lied this much before, I was a very honest person, but I only get in to deep conversation with people I can really trust.

"Listen bud, you're new here, I understand that, but if you're going to spend your life in our mansion, you're going to have to open up eventually, if you don't want me to tell people what we talk about, just say so, you can trust me man." That sure sounded like something Sam would say.
How could I trust him? I was there, one night surrounded by hundreds of other people, and he removed my bloody nipple!

"Where's my nipple?" I asked him. I wanted it, I would sew it back on myself, you know how weird people look without nipples? Fucking awkward as hell.

"I need your nipple, your nipple is special buddy. Let me explain, every two hundred years, the one who continues the legacy dies. I'm over two hundred years old, I was turned in to the owner of this whole thing when I was somewhere in my twenties, I can't remember the exact age I was anymore. With your nipple, I perform something sacred, and very meaningful, I offer it to Satan, and you get the powers that I had when I carried on the legacy. Next month, this takes place. You have seen some of the things I can do, but you haven't seen nearly all of it, there is so much you have to learn still buddy, and we need to name you as well, none of us here use our real names, but we go by what we are given, your nipple, and personality define your name. I was a sweet kid, innocent, but I thought the way you think, I know what you're thinking every second buddy, I can read you like a children's picture book. We will decide on your name, the day before the ritual begins, and then you will go by that, for another two hundred years, until you must pass on the legacy."

I didn't know what to say, but this all interested me, very much.

******

Clinically insane, those were the two words of the day, running through my head.
Yeah, I was now a victim, and it was showing...
I had become very, very depressed.
Nothing was positive anymore, just like the trees, but I saw this in everything.
Life was over rated, existance was over rated, there was no point...
We live, the first seven years of our lives are great, we have nothing to worry about, we just live, mum makes us food every day, sends us off to pre-school in a few years, come home, play around and have fun... age five comes and you go to school for the first time, make a lot of friends, your parents treat you good and everything is great.
You turn eight years old, and things go downhill from there, school gets harder, you start liking girls, girls start liking you.
That girl wants to date you, that one is obsessed with you, the weird girl checks you out during class every day, and that one wants to give you head.

Nobody showed a sense of pride anymore, it was a sin. I liked sin, sin was fun. Sin lead to emotional, mental, and physical self gratification. But I showed no pride. I was not proud of what choices I had made, I was not proud of my life, my personality was nothing to be proud of, I was not the lady's man I had always dreampt of being, I was no longer good looking either.

I used to be a pretty boy, I was a very good looking kid, but lately, I do not give a fuck about anything, I care about myself, but I do nothing to maintain my looks, my health, my fitness. Not anymore.

All I could think about was my mind, it was going all over the place.
I would think of a friend, and .5 seconds later, I'd think of something completely opposite, although, near the end, before I realized I was lost in thought, I would think of the German.

The German was in my dreams, every night, if she was not the main part of my dream, she would appear in it at random, and I would not get her out of my head.
The German was a curse, The German had a reason to be in my head all the time, The German wanted me to know something, that she had never told me. There must be a reason The German is always in my head, maybe I am going crazy... But this happened even before I started showing these symptoms. What the hell was she trying to send across to me. Was The German ever real? Maybe she was just my mind the whole time, all of it seemed so unreal, all the things her and I did, and the dreams, what were the dreams about in the forest, when Sam came and tried killing me in it.
Maybe The German knew all about this, this whole thing Sam had created, or helped create.
She knew this was going to happen, I knew that she knew, she was acting strange the few days before she left.

Can Sam and Her go in to peoples heads whilst they are sleeping? That sort of thing doesn't just happen, but the dreams I had all seemed too real.
For some reason, it would somehow make sense to me that they could do that, but how the hell would I mention this all to Sam? 'Hey Sam, do you go in to my dreams and fuck shit up?' I don't think that would go over well, and if the answer was no, he'd think I was completely fucked in the head, and they'd probably kill me, they can't have a complete psychopath running this joint.

So I asked Sam, heh, I figured it needed to get done.
I found him in the courtyard, sitting on a bench by a pond of fish, he was dropping little tiny pebbles in there, making the fish swim fastly away from them.
"Sam... I need to ask you something." I said, as I approached him from behind.
"I know you do, and I was waiting out here for you..." Sam said. It creeped me out, he knew so much, he could read minds, I was so curious as to if he got it as a gift from being the leader of this cult thing, or if he was born that way.
"The answer is yes. I can. I have had that gift for as long as I can remember, and that is a long time, once I became the leader, I could do just about everything a normal human can not, and also what they can." Sam was brilliant, just the way he worded things made me so safe feeling, I knew he was right, and that I could trust him.


***

After Sam and I finished talking, I headed to the washroom, halfway through our discussion I had an urge to shit, so I did just that, for such a big house, there was only one place where we could piss and shit, and that was all the way, up two flights of stairs, and through a long dark hallway, with all the electricity cut off on it...

I got to the bathroom door, and it was closed... The rules were made clear to me, as a new 'piece' of this little... Cult. That once you are done in the washroom, you must leave the door open, I assumed that the washroom was occupied, so I just sat by the door, waiting.

I got lost in thought, The German was running through my head again, we were at the park, where I sat on the bench talking to 'myself' according to the kid from school.
We were laying down on a nice blanket, with German writing on it, we were in Germany during the second world war.
People were running down the streets with guns, and helpless children were hiding behind trees, in dumpsters, whatever they could find...
We were listening to the sounds of the children screaming, such beautiful noise it made.
It was like the first time you listen to The Beatles, you are just... Attatched to it, and it reaches out to you, and pulls you in to it's world, it's amazing.
The German turned her head, and smiled at me, she was enjoying our time together.
This was what The German and I both considered a true date with another person, there was nothing better in this world, than listening to the sounds of the guns and the children crying.

The German soldiers were yelling all sorts of different things, at the top of their lungs, I'm glad I had The German with me, they knew who she was, she was pure German, and as long as I am with her, I am safe. A Jewish kid came running up to The German and I, she was crying, and she needed help.
I didn't understand what she was saying, and I didn't really react, I wasn't worried about them, I was going to lead a cult soon, I couldn't have a heart for small things like this, this was teaching me something, each and every dream I have does that.
"I am learning." I thought to myself in the dream.

I woke up to the bathroom door hitting me in the face, to my surprise, Sam walked out. At least I know one thing... I'll still have to piss and shit once I rule this thing.
"Sam, when will I be the leader?" I asked him, I felt like a dick asking him in that way though, I didn't want to seem anxious to rule, and I didn't want him to think that's what I wanted, was power.
"Soon, we will be holding a ceremony tonight, feel free to stay here while you wait, or do whatever, I'll be paging you." Sam said, as he walked away, down the long dark hallway.
He didn't look at me once when we spoke just then, and he didn't seem happy, something was wrong, and I wanted to find out...

I stepped in to the bathroom, and saw that he did not flush the toilet, well, that could happen when somebody's depressed, you know... They get careless. I flushed down his shit for him, and watched it go down with the water, I wondered then, what's it like to be a piece of shit.
I sat on the toilet seat, and thought about that question I asked myself... Being a piece of shit.
I thought of life, this world we live in, that's what I came to conclusion with.
This life we live, is shit, and everyday, we do things, that make us deserve to be flushed down the drain, like the pieces of shit that we are.

I got off the toilet, and flushed it down, being more polite than Sam today.
I figured he would be in the courtyard, so that's where I headed, I needed to figure out what was wrong with him...

***

I walked to the courtyard and saw Sam and The German sitting near the little pond.
"Sam, we need to talk." I said, and Sam didn't look at me, he was facing the other way, I walked up to him, and tried getting his attention by putting my hand on his shoulder, he turned around, shocked, as if he had just been sleeping, and something very loud had awoken him.

"Uh... Sorry to frighten you." I said, I had no idea what to say at that point...
"It's okay champ, what's up?" Sam said, acting as if nothing had happened.
"What was with you earlier? You seemed... Different."
Sam looked down at the ground, and had a crooked smile, but he wasn't happy, I knew that much.

"Listen buddy, I love what I have, and within a few days, it's going to be gone. Gone for me that is, and it'll all be in your hands, I wish it wasn't something that you had to take care of, but it is. I know you didn't want it in the first place, and we forced it on to you basically, I threw you in to this position, not caring about what you wanted, I was pissed off that I was going to lose this, but after living for so long, and not aging, I'm getting really fucking sick of this shit-hole, y'know?
I love what I got, but I have absolutely no satisfaction over the world anymore, every day has been the same for me, I want you to change it, I want you to make it something that I couldn't... Because after so long, it gets very fucking boring!" Sam stopped talking and spit out some blood.
"I'm already becoming weaker dude, and I got nothing left anymore, this place was my life, it's stood for so long, because our spirits are keeping it standing, don't disappoint me, because when I am in hell, I'll be looking up at you, watching every move you make, and the last thing I need is to be depressed down there as well."

I sat there, almost dumbfounded, and watched Sam as he got up and left.
This was really it, this was going to be my life. I had complete control over everybody, they were going to listen to everything I said to them, I was going to rule them, and they'd do as I say, I could change the world in so many ways with these people under my control, just thinking of the power I would soon have made me feel fantastic.

The German walked up and sat next to me, she put her hand on my leg and looked at me, I turned and looked her right in the eyes, they were almost pure red, besides the blue surrounding her pupil. She didn't say a word, she just stared at me, and I didn't know what to say... The German was never real, as far as I was concerned, so I just sat there. "Listen..." The German began...

***

The things she told me, they blew my mind, and it usually takes a lot to do that to somebody like myself...
I was now sitting in the mansion, along with everybody else, on the church like benches, and Sam was on his 'stage', getting ready to make his speech.

I looked around me, and saw everybody paying close attention to me, like I was the center of attention, and Sam meant nothing.
I was going to be what all of these beings wanted to be, what they respected, waht they idolize, what they crave.

"Good evening everyone, you all know why you are here tonight, and you all know what is going to happen tonight...", Sam began.
"I won't take up much of your guys' time, but I want you to know, that I enjoyed my time here with you all, but it is time that I pass the legacy on to somebody else, somebody who I know will do a better job than I did, somebody we do not know much about, but somebody I am trusting with my world, my life."
"It is time I replace myself with this boy, and the throne shall now belong to him."

The world went black, I felt as if I was in a dream, and the world was non-existant, I didn't know what I was feeling, I didn't exist. I was an animal. I was with the German, and Sam, and some others. We were all running around, wildly, nothing we knew before existed, everything was so unreal.
We all jumped off of a cliff, following one another.


***

The feeling was wonderful, we were free falling through the sky, and I could very carefully analyze everything, there were plants, animals, people, children, bicycles,
everything was here. This is what I could do with the world, it was in my hands, and I could make it anything I wanted to make it. I began today, this was my time, and my time only.

Throughout falling, something really caught my eye, it was a young boy walking in a park, it seemed as if he was staring at this girl on the swings, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her, I wanted to say something to him, I knew something was wrong with the situation. I should have helped him.
I saw her look at the boy, there was something about her, I felt as if I knew her, or recognized her...
She got off of the swing, and began walking towards him, the sun set instantly, it was dark, nearly pitch black, the lights in the park let off a very dim glow.
The boy froze, and just kept staring at the girl, he didn't know what to do, and neither did I. I know what I should have done, but I couldn't do it, I could only fall, and keep watching as this happened right in front of me for what felt like hours.

As she approached the boy, her clothes began coming undone, her hands were free of anything, and so were his. This was their destiny, and I couldn't stop it.
It was like getting kicked in the throat, and having the pain for hours, but only in your gut.
It was like tripping in the dark, or the drop of a rollercoaster.

She was nude, and the boy was standing there, motionless.
She was eye to eye with him, she could get no closer.
A tear drop ran down my face as she put her arms around him, and kissed his lips gently.
This all reminded me of one person, and that person was nothing but bad, The German.
I wanted love, I wanted to feel what these two were feeling right now, this hit me. I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be in love. I've lived a good life, where's my love?
The two of them stood there, and just kissed. It was a perfect picture.

I wished that everybody could see this, falling slowly throughout the world, and having all of your questions answered. You see the good, and see the bad here, that's what this is. I saw happy things, but I seen the worst. Throughout falling I saw a girl get raped, I saw minorities get killed due to race, I saw people get beaten, burned alive, and tortured.

This was the world.

You wouldn't ever believe that this happened, but it does. You wouldn't expect this sort of thing from other humans. But you should.
We're simply all animals, and all we want is one thing; survival.
We are nothing more than your pet dog, or a rat. We are all the same.
We are sick, we disgust each other, and live off of eachother's fear. We are weak.

***

I woke up in the arms of Sam, I was puzzled, what had happened to me? Why is Sam still here?

"This is what you wanted, all of your questions have been answered. Are you satisfied with your life now? There is nothing more that you can see, you've seen it all. You've lived it all. Your life has always been a lie. And now that you've seen everything you had ever wanted to see, your time has come."

My eyes opened wide, Sam knew too much about me. I took life for granted, I lived every day like I didn't care. I do care. I did care so much.
I wanted to see my mom, I needed them all, all of my family.
I screwed them over, I should have gone back home when I had the chance, but instead I was selfish, I took it all for granted. I fucked up.
We all make our choices, and we choose what happens in our lives. We can't be a God, only our own God. I chose this, I deserved this.

I looked Sam in the eyes, and he grew a sinister smile on his face. The sick bastard was serious, my life was only his hands.
I wanted to go back, I had to go back.
Sam put a knife to my throat, and winked right before my world went black.

My mind quickly remembered everything I had been through in life, all the good and bad memories flashed right before my eyes, each wound I had gotten, each scar I had to show, I saw the stories behind them again. I had forgotten a lot of important things in my life, I should have learned from all of those, but now here I am. '

***

If I learned anything from Japan, it is to not take your life for granted, treat yourself good, and do the things you want to do, but don't forget about the ones you love, they are more important than anything. Don't forget to make your life the best you can. And don't fuck up your life with drugs, and other stupid shit.
You deserve a good life, I didn't get mine.
I want you to have yours.